Some want the slices paper thin, others want them a quarter-inch thick and nothing more nor less, while still others want them an eighth of an inch thick. Some want the "peel" removed at the store, others say leave it alone. Still others want a slice "as thick as granny's toenail!"
When the latter bologna aficionados get home, they will sometimes take the peel off with their teeth, while others will break the peel with a pocket knife, stab the slice with a fork and pull. The peel's more stubborn after the bologna's fried.
We can't determine where this figure came from, but it's estimated that Americans put away 400,000 tons of bologna a year. We also couldn't determine how many of those tons were consumed in this county. We think we would be surprised by local consumption, but maybe we wouldn't.
What's in it? It's stamped USDA, but we wonder if that couldn't stand for UnSure, Don't Ask. Whatever's in it, bologna has a distinct taste. There's not another taste like it, be it regular or that standby with checkers tournaments -- pickle dog bologna and saltine crackers.
It has a myriad of uses besides fillers for work lunchboxes and get-by suppers.
Bologna is fine bait for catfish. If there's a sudden wedding or funeral, a slice of it can be used to shine your shoes. On a bad hair day, it will keep unruly hair in place. (On second thought, bad hair might be the better alternative.)
And if a casserole for the church picnic has to be stretched, reach for the bologna. Some say, too, that bologna extract can be used for perfume. It might not attract someone you'd want to take home to meet the folks, but if the folks are closet bologna wolfers (and who isn't?), they will be glad to meet the guy. They just have to check to make sure he's not a first cousin.
Warning: Bologna extract or grease has a strong odor (the reason it makes catfish bite), so it might attract things like flies and junkyard dogs.
If you aren't scared off and determined to be even more secretive about stuffing yourself with bologna, here are a few favorite recipes:
Pickle Dog Bologna
Bologna
Quart or two of vinegar
Three or four onions sliced
Some bay leaves
A few black peppercorns
Pinch of allspice
Half to 2/3rds of a hot pepper (you decide)
Boil everything except the bologna (about three rings of it). Add bologna and return to boil. Put all of it in a jug. Wait a week. It's not good without this aging. Getting it out of the jar? You're on your own.
Bologna slices with cream cheese between them and the stack covered with cream cheese is a bologna cake.
Bologna flying saucers (Some people call these beetle hats.) are good, too. Just put bologna slices on a cookie sheet. Put in the oven until the slices cup enough to hold an 8-ball. Fill the cups with mashed potatoes, top with cheese, then put back into the oven until the cheese melts.
Would you believe there's a bologna salad? There is, of course.
You need about two packages of bologna and a jar of those candied sweet gherkin pickles. Oh yes, some mayonnaise and sugar, too. Grind the bologna in a grinder. It's not a good idea to use a blender or food processor, because that makes the bologna mushy.
When you have the bologna ground up, put in enough mayo to make the whole thing moist. Add the pickles and sugar, making it as sweet as you like it. And you need a loaf of white bread to put the mixture on.
Bologna gravy's pretty easy to make. All you need is bologna, of course, grits, flour, water and onions, if you like them.
Just fry the bologna, pour water over it. Put flour in bologna and water mixture and let it boil until it thickens. Cut up the onions if you decide to use them. When it's done, pour it over the grits and eat.
And anytime you make pinto beans, you always have some left over. We don't know why this is true, but it always happens.
Don't despair. Just put a cup of cubed bologna into the pintos and shred some of your favorite cheese. Set the oven on 350 degrees. Mix the bologna and beans in a casserole dish and heat for 20 minutes. Top with cheese and put it back in the oven to melt the cheese.
This one could wake you up in the morning:
You need two or so slices of bologna, some biscuits and some mustard. Fry the bologna, put it on a biscuit and dab the whole thing with mustard.
So if you like bologna, come out of the closet. It's not against the law, but you might gain weight!
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